Patience

I admit I'm not exactly someone you'll describe as patient.

It may seem almost ironic since my line of work certainly requires an exceptional amount of patience from me.

These days I've been lazing at home, my patience has been unexpectedly put to the test.

Why?

Because my mum is learning Facebook.

My ideal afternoon involves me lazing on the sofa with a good book in hand, sipping Earl Grey Tea, with jazz music playing softly in the background.

While I never had much time to indulge like this during school term, these few weeks before I began on my new job seemed a perfect time for such self-indulgence. Well...or so I thought.

Every couple of minutes, mum would scream " Meimei!!! Why my facebook....", " Why I cannot add friends ah?" " How to reply my friend's message ah?".....  And I'll reluctantly run over to her room to troubleshoot. It's been almost a week now, and she throws me the same questions day after day.

While I wasn't exactly pleased to be torn away from my haven again and again, I told myself, mom was simply trying to pick up a new "skill", trying to keep up with the times, and catch up with a few old classmates.... I really feel 不孝 for feeling irritated, but sometimes I can't help it. So while it was hard to be all chirpy about it each time she called me in, I did try to explain her doubts in all ways I can, with hope that she'll finally understand. After all, I probably subjected her to the same torture throughout the years she brought me up. 

Sigh... there she goes again...

"I'm coming mum..."

(I really should try to be less grumpy....  I'll regret totally this one day...)

  

OOPS

Happy mood ---> decides to change blogskin ---> went to google "blogskins" --> nothing caught my eye --> bad mood ---> decides to create own blogskin --> went to customize banner on photoshop ---> :) ---> went to customize pokka dots all over the background ---> :D ---> 5.12am ---> :X ---> zzzzzzzz

(goodness, I'm going crazy)

Random happy mood

Today it's one of those random happy days that I wish would never end!
I say random because nothing really happened today....
Haha!
And I actually talked to a few snails along my way home because I wanted someone  something to share my happiness!


Okay, I admit, I am strange...

A new beginning.

Oh my goodness, I'm down to one last week before I start on my job!!
I'm sooooo excited to get started, but also mad nervous!

你永远都不知道。。。

你值十分

s.l.o.w.

On hindsight, the arduous journey to complete my Honours Thesis taught me more that I could have expected. Months later, I'm still surprised at what I took away from the experience.

Would I go through that again? Hell no.
(Okay, maybe yes. But certainly not with the naive ambition of trying to challenge current understandings and push knowledge frontiers this time round)

But since there's no point harping over spilt milk, and since I miraculously passed (yippee doodle yipee yay!), I guess I should be thankful.

Maybe the whole experience drained the life out of me so much then, that it made me double cherish the freedom and time I have on my hands now. Surprisingly, I'm feeling no sense of emptiness watching time pass me by. I'm quietly enjoying the newfound slow pace of life. I once am convinced that I had to be doing sometime all the time. I'll be so afraid of boredom, to see a blank schedule on my organiser, I fill all my free time with gatherings, dinners, activities - my way of living life to its fullest. But maybe life doesn't have to be like that.... (Well, at least for one more month. I'll go look for a job after :P)

Been there, done that.

All that's left to do is to wait 6 years :)

comfort zones

When I was in primary school, I was made monitress.Not because I was the epitome of good behaviour, but conversely, because I happened to be hopping around the class on one foot when my form teacher was selecting someone to lead the class.

I helped the teachers run errands after errands, led the class back to the classroom after assembly, made public announcements and even raised the Singapore flag every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I doubt my primary school friends would ever term me a shy kid -  I was outgoing, loud, and popular then. But no one then knew that it took a lot out of me to handle the demands asked of a monitress.

I remembered that my form teacher used to frequently ask me to head over to another class to pass a message to other teachers. Sounds effortless. But I had to calm myself down, count 1 to 10 outside the class and make myself take deep breaths before I knock on the doors of another class. It seems silly now  to think of how much self-psycho-ing I needed to convince myself to do something as simple as stepping into another class. But then, that really seemed like a daunting task.

Now to think of it, I really appreciate being made monitress (thank you Mrs Wong, though you'll never read this). And I firmly believe that I'll never have gotten to where I am now, if not for that opportunity. It's really the first time  I understood what it meant to be put out of my comfort zone, which paved the way for me to try out new things beyond what I think I can do from then on.





Accepting this post has really pushed me to do things I would never have imagined doing. While it gives me a great sense of achievement afterwards, others would never see how much self-psycho-ing it takes me to do many things. I got no idea why my comfort zone has such a small radius. Why does so many things fall beyond my comfort zone?!

What prompted this post? A new challenge.
It's not really often that I get an opportunity like this, but the challenge scares me like no other.
Grrrrr. Pass it up? or face my fears?

sometimes.

It's one of those times I wish I could re-live my life.
Maybe things wouldn't be like this.
Bah.

除旧迎新

I miss my bouncy curls

But I LOVE my new short bob!!

:)

 要想在充满挫折和失败的日子当中寻找快乐

要学会知足常乐

你学会了吗？

最近。。。

心情起伏很大
仿佛整个人失了魂似的
自己都有点认不出我自己

论文交了
应该开心的
一篇论文
搞得我整个世界乌烟瘴气
让我天天哭天强地
日日不得安眠
分分秒秒忐忑不安

乐观的个性跑哪去了？
瞬间长大了
发现付出多少努力到头来可能一场空
雨过了不也一定有彩虹
对好多人失望
原来是真的，求人不如求己。

世界抛弃我的时候， 在我最落末的时候，谢谢你不离不弃。

我要振作！！！

When I thought all was lost

I was woken up this morning by a glimpse of hope :)

The waiting game.

Actually, I've not been well.
School hasn't been fine.
I don't want to put on a strong front anymore.
I don't want to lie when people ask me how's school.
Well, ITS REALLY NOT GOING WELL.
Thesis has been bothering me. It's haunting me, draining me dry.
I don't think I've ever felt like this.
I'm this close to giving up.
I really need the approvals.
What keeps me awake all night ever since school started is the anxiety that I'll have to drop my thesis if I don't get the approvals
I wish I could do something more
But I've done everything
And my fate lies in the hands of others
And no matter how I struggle, how many hours I'm willing to stay awake to do work, there's nothing else I can do about it, except to wait.
W.A.I.T
I'll give it one more week.
I wouldn't be able to hang on. I've no energy to hang on anymore.
I'll abandon my thesis.
I've worked really hard for it for the past 6 months
And it's all good till here.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS.
I wish it would end here.
I wish I could just quit.
But I'm distraught just thinking of what lies ahead? What would I say to my parents?
Maybe I'll graduate one semester late? Would I even graduate?
I don't know
And I'm running out of time.
I shudder to think of the other set of approvals I'll have to get even after I drop thesis.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS
What have I gotten myself into, really.
I'm running out of time.
I'm waiting.
I spend every waking moment experiencing the anxiety of waiting. It's truly excruciating to say the least. I don't think I've ever felt this sick. Not being able to do anything but wait makes you lose sleep,  appetite, and all your optimism in life. It takes the blue out of the sky, the colours out of the sights.
The clock is ticking- a stark reminder that I'm running out of time.
I'm tired of waiting already.
One week.
And I'm not going to wait anymore. I don't think my poor heart can take anymore waiting.
One week.
And I'll give up.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS ALREADY
PLEASE

" Why don't you blog?"

Cheeky asked me why I don't blog nowadays.

And quite frankly, that question caught me off guard, and my first thought was actually " OH YA, I ACTUALLY HAVE A BLOG"

Been caught up with all the nitty gritty work, event after event, it almost seems like I wouldn't have a free moment to really collect my thoughts.

But here I am, after a full day of meaningful productive work on my thesis, trying to think of what to say in this terribly neglected space, feeling relatively satisfied at how my first day of school went.

It's pretty late, and my thoughts are random and tangential, and I honestly cannot be bothered to organise them in coherent sentences, so I'm just going to be very random and say whatever comes to my mind. Ah! Why don't I try to think of new year resolutions! I know it's already 12 days into 2010, but I don't have time to think of new year resolutions lah!

1) I need to work hard for this! Which basically translates to

Earn money [Good degree --> get a good job --> "big" money]

+ Save money [ Less online shopping and less taxi]

I hope all works out. Wish me luck!

2) Work really hard this semester.

I can still vividly remember my first semester in NUS.

Which makes it all the more intimidating that I'm embarking on the final phase of this wonderful journey. I look back at the past 3 and a half years and think of the the " I wish I had worked harder" moments, smile at the "I GOT AN A!" moments, and feel all nostalgic. I need to work a miracle this semester. And I'm determined to see that miracle through to leave NUS with no regrets. Why why why, do we have only 24 hours a day.....

Oh ya, I need to speak up in class this semester!!!! I shall aim to contribute one smart comment per seminar this semester. To all gods/deities/ higher beings up there/ ancestors up there: Please let all brilliant questions and thoughts fill my mind, so that I have the courage to proclaim them to the class with gusto!

3) Work hard at relationships.

I need to learn to be a better friend. I always forget the birthdays of those who matter. I'm lazy with writing christmas/new year/birthday cards or notes. I'm stingy and don't give enough presents to those I love. I'm not asking people out enough! Forgive me my friends! It's amazing you guys are still there for me through my ups and downs! I promise 2010 will be different!

I need to be a better girlfriend too! Learn to listen (I know I keep cutting you off, sorry! :S), to keep my promises, to be more accommodating and giving. And to never stop working at our relationship. I'm sure 2010 will be an exciting one for us :)

4) EXERCISE

This makes it to to each and every of my new year resolution/ birthday resolution etc etc. But it's one I always don't follow through. (random thought: I just polled myself inside my head, whether asking me not to cab at all is easier or asking me to exercise is easier. Erm. I have no answer for now. I will mull over this while I sleep laters.) I'm so sick of procrastinating on this, I'm going to make this work this year! So hopefully my 2011 resolution will evolve to be "KEEP ON EXERCISING!" haha :p

5) SLEEP EARLY

I don't know why this didn't make to my previous new year resolutions, for I sleep at unearthly hours like 4am almost everyday. So I'm going to sleep before 2am as much as I can for 2010 (OOPS, IT'S LIKE 2.34AM AS I BLOG)..... for better health, clearer skin and whatever benefits sleep brings. AIYA, I shall go sleep now to show my commitment to my new year resolutions. (is this too abrupt? haha. GOOD NIGHT PEOPLE)

9 roses for eternity

I love attending weddings.

Weddings are such beautiful occasions. They're a couple's testament to love, honour and cherish each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, everyday onwards.

But I enjoy some weddings more than others.

Especially weddings where you can truly feel that the bride and groom deeply love each other. That doesn't necessarily translate to endless hugs and kisses, declarations of love, crooning love ballets. But it's really something as simple as the way they look at each other. That look can move me to tears. That gaze gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling and sends tingles all down my spine. But sometimes, I attend a wedding, and wonder if the couple is getting married for the right reasons. Do people really get married because it's time to get married? Do they feel pressured that it's time to do so because they've been attending way too of their friends have wed?  I don't know why it certainly feels that way sometimes. And I really hate feeling that way, because it kills all the beauty of a wedding. 

A friend recently mentioned that she'll marry anyone when she's 28. It's funny, because right before she said this, she was listing a whole list of criteria that she has in mind even before dating any guy. She rambles off her precise criteria - perfect height (11cm taller), perfect age (4 years older), caucasian, physique, religion, intellect... And at the end of it, I was telling her she effectively just eliminated everyone I ever knew. But surprisingly, she wasn't bothered. She looked at me with such great certainty that she won't settle for less....not until she's 28 at least.

Then I got friends who already joined SDU because they're concerned that they won't be able to find any guy to date now that they're working in a female-dominated office (and also because SDU offers wonderful dining privileges... but still...). These are friends that actively proclaim they are single and looking. They tell me every single time we meet where they've looked in vain, how no one even seems to fit the basic criteria. Actually, what they want seems fairly reasonable. They explain that they can't afford to set standards or they'll be left on the shelves. 

I sometimes chuckle when I hear girls talk about their criteria. I've this friend, who's damn loud and rah-rah. She's damn straightforward, can be curt at times, but she'll be out in your face if she has a problem with you. And there she goes saying she wants someone who's louder than her (i seriously can't imagine anyone louder than her)....and later she continues to say that, but then he can't be too loud because she is loud and needs to talk a lot. And in my head i was like -_- ... 

haha.

...

It's 2.34am. I just got home from one of my social gatherings. 

I'm feeling so exhausted. 

It was really refreshing to hear from girls whose experiences are in ways so different from yours. 

But I wasn't in the mood to engage in any conversation.

I smiled absent-mindedly, nodded mindlessly, stared in the distance.

It's been 24 hrs.

Any longer, and I'll get used to it.

Like never before

It's getting overwhelming...
Another phase of my life has begun, and part of me is still reluctant to accept the new changes to my life.
It almost seems too good to be true, the opportunities I've always needed presented right in front of me. Just after proudly patting myself on the back, for taking a step forward, my decision appears to have led to so many more opportunities knocking on my door - opportunities I've been waiting for, for what seemed like a long time.

It would really appear that when these opportunities come, I'll be eager and elated. But I find myself holding on to my past, refusing to take on new responsibilities, face new challenges, take new risks. I really didn't expect changing to be that difficult.

So day by day, I try a little harder to ease into my new responsibilites. Day by day, I try not to excape, not to hate what I have to do. Maybe things will get better.

Still... I hate growing up. Argh.

A Tag

I got reminded of a tag I read on facebook sometime ago, about things you want to say to different people, without explicitly naming them. I was pretty drawn to the idea, so I thought I'll try... The process was surprisingly liberating.

Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever be friends again.

I'm glad we hugged goodbye.

I've been summoning enough courage for the past 10 years to apologize to you the next time we meet.

I couldn’t ask for a better friend.

Thanks for letting me go.

I owe my success today to that decision you made 15 years ago.

I've never dared to ask you about her because I fear the truth.

Your mistake ruined my dream.

I wish you would see how gorgeous you are to me.

Your expectations crush me.

Sometimes, I think I deserve it more than you do.

 

New friends

Without even me realising it, it's been months since I've first got news that I was selected to be the pioneer batch of young women leaders in a newly founded women society.

From the initially stressful rounds of selection, to the countless bonding outings, to our recent elections, it's been a roller coaster ride.

And I'm growing to love these new friends.

We started as strangers, from different universities, thrust together, and told to build a society. It was admittedly awkward to begin with. We had to organise bonding sessions week after week, simply to get to know each other, to learn names of 29 others, and to see who had the makings of a president to lead the organisation before the impending elections.

We had meals together, played board games together, went fishing together, and soon grew to be pretty close. Admittedly, it was pretty intimidating just to mingle around with these successful women. Some had their own companies, others had brilliant CVs what swept me off my feet. Discussion sessions were intense and draining, simply because everyone made such great contributions and threw out meaningful considerations that it was almost difficult to come to a consensus. Everyone was passionate about the cause, and radiating with devotion and commitment, it was truly encouraging.

The over-night retreat at SMU that I helped to organise was a great success. And I really do believe that we all got to learn a lot more about each other after that. I was surprised how much you can learn about someone in just a 2D1N retreat - how you can see someone's character ravel throughout the camp. I saw women power, I saw brilliant women strategize, I saw women plot and scheme. All boils down to politics again I guess.

But still, I'm glad to have met everyone of them! I was a little dejected at how my life was turning out, worried about its lack of direction, apprehensive about my future before I met these like-minded friends. And now, everything seems brighter just to know that I'm not alone.

I  love my new friends! :)