When I thought all was lost

I was woken up this morning by a glimpse of hope :)

The waiting game.

Actually, I've not been well.
School hasn't been fine.
I don't want to put on a strong front anymore.
I don't want to lie when people ask me how's school.
Well, ITS REALLY NOT GOING WELL.
Thesis has been bothering me. It's haunting me, draining me dry.
I don't think I've ever felt like this.
I'm this close to giving up.
I really need the approvals.
What keeps me awake all night ever since school started is the anxiety that I'll have to drop my thesis if I don't get the approvals
I wish I could do something more
But I've done everything
And my fate lies in the hands of others
And no matter how I struggle, how many hours I'm willing to stay awake to do work, there's nothing else I can do about it, except to wait.
W.A.I.T
I'll give it one more week.
I wouldn't be able to hang on. I've no energy to hang on anymore.
I'll abandon my thesis.
I've worked really hard for it for the past 6 months
And it's all good till here.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS.
I wish it would end here.
I wish I could just quit.
But I'm distraught just thinking of what lies ahead? What would I say to my parents?
Maybe I'll graduate one semester late? Would I even graduate?
I don't know
And I'm running out of time.
I shudder to think of the other set of approvals I'll have to get even after I drop thesis.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS
What have I gotten myself into, really.
I'm running out of time.
I'm waiting.
I spend every waking moment experiencing the anxiety of waiting. It's truly excruciating to say the least. I don't think I've ever felt this sick. Not being able to do anything but wait makes you lose sleep,  appetite, and all your optimism in life. It takes the blue out of the sky, the colours out of the sights.
The clock is ticking- a stark reminder that I'm running out of time.
I'm tired of waiting already.
One week.
And I'm not going to wait anymore. I don't think my poor heart can take anymore waiting.
One week.
And I'll give up.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS ALREADY
PLEASE

" Why don't you blog?"

Cheeky asked me why I don't blog nowadays.

And quite frankly, that question caught me off guard, and my first thought was actually " OH YA, I ACTUALLY HAVE A BLOG"

Been caught up with all the nitty gritty work, event after event, it almost seems like I wouldn't have a free moment to really collect my thoughts.

But here I am, after a full day of meaningful productive work on my thesis, trying to think of what to say in this terribly neglected space, feeling relatively satisfied at how my first day of school went.

It's pretty late, and my thoughts are random and tangential, and I honestly cannot be bothered to organise them in coherent sentences, so I'm just going to be very random and say whatever comes to my mind. Ah! Why don't I try to think of new year resolutions! I know it's already 12 days into 2010, but I don't have time to think of new year resolutions lah!

1) I need to work hard for this! Which basically translates to

Earn money [Good degree --> get a good job --> "big" money]

+ Save money [ Less online shopping and less taxi]

I hope all works out. Wish me luck!

2) Work really hard this semester.

I can still vividly remember my first semester in NUS.

Which makes it all the more intimidating that I'm embarking on the final phase of this wonderful journey. I look back at the past 3 and a half years and think of the the " I wish I had worked harder" moments, smile at the "I GOT AN A!" moments, and feel all nostalgic. I need to work a miracle this semester. And I'm determined to see that miracle through to leave NUS with no regrets. Why why why, do we have only 24 hours a day.....

Oh ya, I need to speak up in class this semester!!!! I shall aim to contribute one smart comment per seminar this semester. To all gods/deities/ higher beings up there/ ancestors up there: Please let all brilliant questions and thoughts fill my mind, so that I have the courage to proclaim them to the class with gusto!

3) Work hard at relationships.

I need to learn to be a better friend. I always forget the birthdays of those who matter. I'm lazy with writing christmas/new year/birthday cards or notes. I'm stingy and don't give enough presents to those I love. I'm not asking people out enough! Forgive me my friends! It's amazing you guys are still there for me through my ups and downs! I promise 2010 will be different!

I need to be a better girlfriend too! Learn to listen (I know I keep cutting you off, sorry! :S), to keep my promises, to be more accommodating and giving. And to never stop working at our relationship. I'm sure 2010 will be an exciting one for us :)

4) EXERCISE

This makes it to to each and every of my new year resolution/ birthday resolution etc etc. But it's one I always don't follow through. (random thought: I just polled myself inside my head, whether asking me not to cab at all is easier or asking me to exercise is easier. Erm. I have no answer for now. I will mull over this while I sleep laters.) I'm so sick of procrastinating on this, I'm going to make this work this year! So hopefully my 2011 resolution will evolve to be "KEEP ON EXERCISING!" haha :p

5) SLEEP EARLY

I don't know why this didn't make to my previous new year resolutions, for I sleep at unearthly hours like 4am almost everyday. So I'm going to sleep before 2am as much as I can for 2010 (OOPS, IT'S LIKE 2.34AM AS I BLOG)..... for better health, clearer skin and whatever benefits sleep brings. AIYA, I shall go sleep now to show my commitment to my new year resolutions. (is this too abrupt? haha. GOOD NIGHT PEOPLE)