Patience

I admit I'm not exactly someone you'll describe as patient.

It may seem almost ironic since my line of work certainly requires an exceptional amount of patience from me.

These days I've been lazing at home, my patience has been unexpectedly put to the test.

Why?

Because my mum is learning Facebook.

My ideal afternoon involves me lazing on the sofa with a good book in hand, sipping Earl Grey Tea, with jazz music playing softly in the background.

While I never had much time to indulge like this during school term, these few weeks before I began on my new job seemed a perfect time for such self-indulgence. Well...or so I thought.

Every couple of minutes, mum would scream " Meimei!!! Why my facebook....", " Why I cannot add friends ah?" " How to reply my friend's message ah?".....  And I'll reluctantly run over to her room to troubleshoot. It's been almost a week now, and she throws me the same questions day after day.

While I wasn't exactly pleased to be torn away from my haven again and again, I told myself, mom was simply trying to pick up a new "skill", trying to keep up with the times, and catch up with a few old classmates.... I really feel 不孝 for feeling irritated, but sometimes I can't help it. So while it was hard to be all chirpy about it each time she called me in, I did try to explain her doubts in all ways I can, with hope that she'll finally understand. After all, I probably subjected her to the same torture throughout the years she brought me up. 

Sigh... there she goes again...

"I'm coming mum..."

(I really should try to be less grumpy....  I'll regret totally this one day...)

  

OOPS

Happy mood ---> decides to change blogskin ---> went to google "blogskins" --> nothing caught my eye --> bad mood ---> decides to create own blogskin --> went to customize banner on photoshop ---> :) ---> went to customize pokka dots all over the background ---> :D ---> 5.12am ---> :X ---> zzzzzzzz

(goodness, I'm going crazy)

Random happy mood

Today it's one of those random happy days that I wish would never end!
I say random because nothing really happened today....
Haha!
And I actually talked to a few snails along my way home because I wanted someone  something to share my happiness!


Okay, I admit, I am strange...

A new beginning.

Oh my goodness, I'm down to one last week before I start on my job!!
I'm sooooo excited to get started, but also mad nervous!

你永远都不知道。。。

你值十分

s.l.o.w.

On hindsight, the arduous journey to complete my Honours Thesis taught me more that I could have expected. Months later, I'm still surprised at what I took away from the experience.

Would I go through that again? Hell no.
(Okay, maybe yes. But certainly not with the naive ambition of trying to challenge current understandings and push knowledge frontiers this time round)

But since there's no point harping over spilt milk, and since I miraculously passed (yippee doodle yipee yay!), I guess I should be thankful.

Maybe the whole experience drained the life out of me so much then, that it made me double cherish the freedom and time I have on my hands now. Surprisingly, I'm feeling no sense of emptiness watching time pass me by. I'm quietly enjoying the newfound slow pace of life. I once am convinced that I had to be doing sometime all the time. I'll be so afraid of boredom, to see a blank schedule on my organiser, I fill all my free time with gatherings, dinners, activities - my way of living life to its fullest. But maybe life doesn't have to be like that.... (Well, at least for one more month. I'll go look for a job after :P)

Been there, done that.

All that's left to do is to wait 6 years :)

comfort zones

When I was in primary school, I was made monitress.Not because I was the epitome of good behaviour, but conversely, because I happened to be hopping around the class on one foot when my form teacher was selecting someone to lead the class.

I helped the teachers run errands after errands, led the class back to the classroom after assembly, made public announcements and even raised the Singapore flag every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I doubt my primary school friends would ever term me a shy kid -  I was outgoing, loud, and popular then. But no one then knew that it took a lot out of me to handle the demands asked of a monitress.

I remembered that my form teacher used to frequently ask me to head over to another class to pass a message to other teachers. Sounds effortless. But I had to calm myself down, count 1 to 10 outside the class and make myself take deep breaths before I knock on the doors of another class. It seems silly now  to think of how much self-psycho-ing I needed to convince myself to do something as simple as stepping into another class. But then, that really seemed like a daunting task.

Now to think of it, I really appreciate being made monitress (thank you Mrs Wong, though you'll never read this). And I firmly believe that I'll never have gotten to where I am now, if not for that opportunity. It's really the first time  I understood what it meant to be put out of my comfort zone, which paved the way for me to try out new things beyond what I think I can do from then on.





Accepting this post has really pushed me to do things I would never have imagined doing. While it gives me a great sense of achievement afterwards, others would never see how much self-psycho-ing it takes me to do many things. I got no idea why my comfort zone has such a small radius. Why does so many things fall beyond my comfort zone?!

What prompted this post? A new challenge.
It's not really often that I get an opportunity like this, but the challenge scares me like no other.
Grrrrr. Pass it up? or face my fears?

sometimes.

It's one of those times I wish I could re-live my life.
Maybe things wouldn't be like this.
Bah.

除旧迎新

I miss my bouncy curls

But I LOVE my new short bob!!

:)

 要想在充满挫折和失败的日子当中寻找快乐

要学会知足常乐

你学会了吗？

最近。。。

心情起伏很大
仿佛整个人失了魂似的
自己都有点认不出我自己

论文交了
应该开心的
一篇论文
搞得我整个世界乌烟瘴气
让我天天哭天强地
日日不得安眠
分分秒秒忐忑不安

乐观的个性跑哪去了？
瞬间长大了
发现付出多少努力到头来可能一场空
雨过了不也一定有彩虹
对好多人失望
原来是真的，求人不如求己。

世界抛弃我的时候， 在我最落末的时候，谢谢你不离不弃。

我要振作！！！

When I thought all was lost

I was woken up this morning by a glimpse of hope :)

The waiting game.

Actually, I've not been well.
School hasn't been fine.
I don't want to put on a strong front anymore.
I don't want to lie when people ask me how's school.
Well, ITS REALLY NOT GOING WELL.
Thesis has been bothering me. It's haunting me, draining me dry.
I don't think I've ever felt like this.
I'm this close to giving up.
I really need the approvals.
What keeps me awake all night ever since school started is the anxiety that I'll have to drop my thesis if I don't get the approvals
I wish I could do something more
But I've done everything
And my fate lies in the hands of others
And no matter how I struggle, how many hours I'm willing to stay awake to do work, there's nothing else I can do about it, except to wait.
W.A.I.T
I'll give it one more week.
I wouldn't be able to hang on. I've no energy to hang on anymore.
I'll abandon my thesis.
I've worked really hard for it for the past 6 months
And it's all good till here.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS.
I wish it would end here.
I wish I could just quit.
But I'm distraught just thinking of what lies ahead? What would I say to my parents?
Maybe I'll graduate one semester late? Would I even graduate?
I don't know
And I'm running out of time.
I shudder to think of the other set of approvals I'll have to get even after I drop thesis.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS
What have I gotten myself into, really.
I'm running out of time.
I'm waiting.
I spend every waking moment experiencing the anxiety of waiting. It's truly excruciating to say the least. I don't think I've ever felt this sick. Not being able to do anything but wait makes you lose sleep,  appetite, and all your optimism in life. It takes the blue out of the sky, the colours out of the sights.
The clock is ticking- a stark reminder that I'm running out of time.
I'm tired of waiting already.
One week.
And I'm not going to wait anymore. I don't think my poor heart can take anymore waiting.
One week.
And I'll give up.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS ALREADY
PLEASE

" Why don't you blog?"

Cheeky asked me why I don't blog nowadays.

And quite frankly, that question caught me off guard, and my first thought was actually " OH YA, I ACTUALLY HAVE A BLOG"

Been caught up with all the nitty gritty work, event after event, it almost seems like I wouldn't have a free moment to really collect my thoughts.

But here I am, after a full day of meaningful productive work on my thesis, trying to think of what to say in this terribly neglected space, feeling relatively satisfied at how my first day of school went.

It's pretty late, and my thoughts are random and tangential, and I honestly cannot be bothered to organise them in coherent sentences, so I'm just going to be very random and say whatever comes to my mind. Ah! Why don't I try to think of new year resolutions! I know it's already 12 days into 2010, but I don't have time to think of new year resolutions lah!

1) I need to work hard for this! Which basically translates to

Earn money [Good degree --> get a good job --> "big" money]

+ Save money [ Less online shopping and less taxi]

I hope all works out. Wish me luck!

2) Work really hard this semester.

I can still vividly remember my first semester in NUS.

Which makes it all the more intimidating that I'm embarking on the final phase of this wonderful journey. I look back at the past 3 and a half years and think of the the " I wish I had worked harder" moments, smile at the "I GOT AN A!" moments, and feel all nostalgic. I need to work a miracle this semester. And I'm determined to see that miracle through to leave NUS with no regrets. Why why why, do we have only 24 hours a day.....

Oh ya, I need to speak up in class this semester!!!! I shall aim to contribute one smart comment per seminar this semester. To all gods/deities/ higher beings up there/ ancestors up there: Please let all brilliant questions and thoughts fill my mind, so that I have the courage to proclaim them to the class with gusto!

3) Work hard at relationships.

I need to learn to be a better friend. I always forget the birthdays of those who matter. I'm lazy with writing christmas/new year/birthday cards or notes. I'm stingy and don't give enough presents to those I love. I'm not asking people out enough! Forgive me my friends! It's amazing you guys are still there for me through my ups and downs! I promise 2010 will be different!

I need to be a better girlfriend too! Learn to listen (I know I keep cutting you off, sorry! :S), to keep my promises, to be more accommodating and giving. And to never stop working at our relationship. I'm sure 2010 will be an exciting one for us :)

4) EXERCISE

This makes it to to each and every of my new year resolution/ birthday resolution etc etc. But it's one I always don't follow through. (random thought: I just polled myself inside my head, whether asking me not to cab at all is easier or asking me to exercise is easier. Erm. I have no answer for now. I will mull over this while I sleep laters.) I'm so sick of procrastinating on this, I'm going to make this work this year! So hopefully my 2011 resolution will evolve to be "KEEP ON EXERCISING!" haha :p

5) SLEEP EARLY

I don't know why this didn't make to my previous new year resolutions, for I sleep at unearthly hours like 4am almost everyday. So I'm going to sleep before 2am as much as I can for 2010 (OOPS, IT'S LIKE 2.34AM AS I BLOG)..... for better health, clearer skin and whatever benefits sleep brings. AIYA, I shall go sleep now to show my commitment to my new year resolutions. (is this too abrupt? haha. GOOD NIGHT PEOPLE)