Thursday, January 21, 2010, 1:28 PM
When I thought all was lost
I was woken up this morning by a glimpse of hope :)
, 5:33 AM
The waiting game.
Actually, I've not been well.
School hasn't been fine.
I don't want to put on a strong front anymore.
I don't want to lie when people ask me how's school.
Well, ITS REALLY NOT GOING WELL.
Thesis has been bothering me. It's haunting me, draining me dry.
I don't think I've ever felt like this.
I'm this close to giving up.
I really need the approvals.
What keeps me awake all night ever since school started is the anxiety that I'll have to drop my thesis if I don't get the approvals
I wish I could do something more
But I've done everything
And my fate lies in the hands of others
And no matter how I struggle, how many hours I'm willing to stay awake to do work, there's nothing else I can do about it, except to wait.
W.A.I.T
I'll give it one more week.
I wouldn't be able to hang on. I've no energy to hang on anymore.
I'll abandon my thesis.
I've worked really hard for it for the past 6 months
And it's all good till here.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS.
I wish it would end here.
I wish I could just quit.
But I'm distraught just thinking of what lies ahead? What would I say to my parents?
Maybe I'll graduate one semester late? Would I even graduate?
I don't know
And I'm running out of time.
I shudder to think of the other set of approvals I'll have to get even after I drop thesis.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS
What have I gotten myself into, really.
I'm running out of time.
I'm waiting.
I spend every waking moment experiencing the anxiety of waiting. It's truly excruciating to say the least. I don't think I've ever felt this sick. Not being able to do anything but wait makes you lose sleep, appetite, and all your optimism in life. It takes the blue out of the sky, the colours out of the sights.
The clock is ticking- a stark reminder that I'm running out of time.
I'm tired of waiting already.
One week.
And I'm not going to wait anymore. I don't think my poor heart can take anymore waiting.
One week.
And I'll give up.
GIVE ME MY APPROVALS ALREADY
PLEASE
Tuesday, January 12, 2010, 1:53 AM
" Why don't you blog?"
Cheeky asked me why I don't blog nowadays.
And quite frankly, that question caught me off guard, and my first thought was actually " OH YA, I ACTUALLY HAVE A BLOG"
Been caught up with all the nitty gritty work, event after event, it almost seems like I wouldn't have a free moment to really collect my thoughts.
But here I am, after a full day of meaningful productive work on my thesis, trying to think of what to say in this terribly neglected space, feeling relatively satisfied at how my first day of school went.
It's pretty late, and my thoughts are random and tangential, and I honestly cannot be bothered to organise them in coherent sentences, so I'm just going to be very random and say whatever comes to my mind. Ah! Why don't I try to think of new year resolutions! I know it's already 12 days into 2010, but I don't have time to think of new year resolutions lah!
1) I need to work hard for this! Which basically translates to
Earn money [Good degree --> get a good job --> "big" money]
+ Save money [ Less online shopping and less taxi]
I hope all works out. Wish me luck!
2) Work really hard this semester.
I can still vividly remember my first semester in NUS.
Which makes it all the more intimidating that I'm embarking on the final phase of this wonderful journey. I look back at the past 3 and a half years and think of the the " I wish I had worked harder" moments, smile at the "I GOT AN A!" moments, and feel all nostalgic. I need to work a miracle this semester. And I'm determined to see that miracle through to leave NUS with no regrets. Why why why, do we have only 24 hours a day.....
Oh ya, I need to speak up in class this semester!!!! I shall aim to contribute one smart comment per seminar this semester. To all gods/deities/ higher beings up there/ ancestors up there: Please let all brilliant questions and thoughts fill my mind, so that I have the courage to proclaim them to the class with gusto!
3) Work hard at relationships.
I need to learn to be a better friend. I always forget the birthdays of those who matter. I'm lazy with writing christmas/new year/birthday cards or notes. I'm stingy and don't give enough presents to those I love. I'm not asking people out enough! Forgive me my friends! It's amazing you guys are still there for me through my ups and downs! I promise 2010 will be different!
I need to be a better girlfriend too! Learn to listen (I know I keep cutting you off, sorry! :S), to keep my promises, to be more accommodating and giving. And to never stop working at our relationship. I'm sure 2010 will be an exciting one for us :)
4) EXERCISE
This makes it to to each and every of my new year resolution/ birthday resolution etc etc. But it's one I always don't follow through. (random thought: I just polled myself inside my head, whether asking me not to cab at all is easier or asking me to exercise is easier. Erm. I have no answer for now. I will mull over this while I sleep laters.) I'm so sick of procrastinating on this, I'm going to make this work this year! So hopefully my 2011 resolution will evolve to be "KEEP ON EXERCISING!" haha :p
5) SLEEP EARLY
I don't know why this didn't make to my previous new year resolutions, for I sleep at unearthly hours like 4am almost everyday. So I'm going to sleep before 2am as much as I can for 2010 (OOPS, IT'S LIKE 2.34AM AS I BLOG)..... for better health, clearer skin and whatever benefits sleep brings. AIYA, I shall go sleep now to show my commitment to my new year resolutions. (is this too abrupt? haha. GOOD NIGHT PEOPLE)
Sunday, September 27, 2009, 1:07 PM
9 roses for eternity
I love attending weddings.
Weddings are such beautiful occasions. They're a couple's testament to love, honour and cherish each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, everyday onwards.
But I enjoy some weddings more than others.
Especially weddings where you can truly feel that the bride and groom deeply love each other. That doesn't necessarily translate to endless hugs and kisses, declarations of love, crooning love ballets. But it's really something as simple as the way they look at each other. That look can move me to tears. That gaze gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling and sends tingles all down my spine. But sometimes, I attend a wedding, and wonder if the couple is getting married for the right reasons. Do people really get married because it's time to get married? Do they feel pressured that it's time to do so because they've been attending way too of their friends have wed? I don't know why it certainly feels that way sometimes. And I really hate feeling that way, because it kills all the beauty of a wedding.
A friend recently mentioned that she'll marry anyone when she's 28. It's funny, because right before she said this, she was listing a whole list of criteria that she has in mind even before dating any guy. She rambles off her precise criteria - perfect height (11cm taller), perfect age (4 years older), caucasian, physique, religion, intellect... And at the end of it, I was telling her she effectively just eliminated everyone I ever knew. But surprisingly, she wasn't bothered. She looked at me with such great certainty that she won't settle for less....not until she's 28 at least.
Then I got friends who already joined SDU because they're concerned that they won't be able to find any guy to date now that they're working in a female-dominated office (and also because SDU offers wonderful dining privileges... but still...). These are friends that actively proclaim they are single and looking. They tell me every single time we meet where they've looked in vain, how no one even seems to fit the basic criteria. Actually, what they want seems fairly reasonable. They explain that they can't afford to set standards or they'll be left on the shelves.
I sometimes chuckle when I hear girls talk about their criteria. I've this friend, who's damn loud and rah-rah. She's damn straightforward, can be curt at times, but she'll be out in your face if she has a problem with you. And there she goes saying she wants someone who's louder than her (i seriously can't imagine anyone louder than her)....and later she continues to say that, but then he can't be too loud because she is loud and needs to talk a lot. And in my head i was like -_- ...
haha.
, 2:34 AM
...
It's 2.34am. I just got home from one of my social gatherings.
I'm feeling so exhausted.
It was really refreshing to hear from girls whose experiences are in ways so different from yours.
But I wasn't in the mood to engage in any conversation.
I smiled absent-mindedly, nodded mindlessly, stared in the distance.
It's been 24 hrs.
Any longer, and I'll get used to it.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009, 12:12 PM
Like never before
It's getting overwhelming...
Another phase of my life has begun, and part of me is still reluctant to accept the new changes to my life.
It almost seems too good to be true, the opportunities I've always needed presented right in front of me. Just after proudly patting myself on the back, for taking a step forward, my decision appears to have led to so many more opportunities knocking on my door - opportunities I've been waiting for, for what seemed like a long time.
It would really appear that when these opportunities come, I'll be eager and elated. But I find myself holding on to my past, refusing to take on new responsibilities, face new challenges, take new risks. I really didn't expect changing to be that difficult.
So day by day, I try a little harder to ease into my new responsibilites. Day by day, I try not to excape, not to hate what I have to do. Maybe things will get better.
Still... I hate growing up. Argh.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009, 3:13 AM
A Tag
I got reminded of a tag I read on facebook sometime ago, about things you want to say to different people, without explicitly naming them. I was pretty drawn to the idea, so I thought I'll try..
Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever be friends again.
I'm glad we hugged goodbye.
I've been summoning enough courage for the past 10 years to apologize to you the next time we meet.
I couldn’t ask for a better friend.
Thanks for letting me go.
I owe my success today to that decision you made 15 years ago.
I've never dared to ask you about her because I fear the truth.
Your mistake ruined my dream.
I wish you would see how gorgeous you are to me.
Your expectations crush me.
Sometimes, I think I deserve it more than you do.
Thursday, June 18, 2009, 2:10 PM
New friends
Without even me realising it, it's been months since I've first got news that I was selected to be the pioneer batch of young women leaders in a newly founded women society.
From the initially stressful rounds of selection, to the countless bonding outings, to our recent elections, it's been a roller coaster ride.
And I'm growing to love these new friends.
We started as strangers, from different universities, thrust together, and told to build a society. It was admittedly awkward to begin with. We had to organise bonding sessions week after week, simply to get to know each other, to learn names of 29 others, and to see who had the makings of a president to lead the organisation before the impending elections.
We had meals together, played board games together, went fishing together, and soon grew to be pretty close. Admittedly, it was pretty intimidating just to mingle around with these successful women. Some had their own companies, others had brilliant CVs what swept me off my feet. Discussion sessions were intense and draining, simply because everyone made such great contributions and threw out meaningful considerations that it was almost difficult to come to a consensus. Everyone was passionate about the cause, and radiating with devotion and commitment, it was truly encouraging.
The over-night retreat at SMU that I helped to organise was a great success. And I really do believe that we all got to learn a lot more about each other after that. I was surprised how much you can learn about someone in just a 2D1N retreat - how you can see someone's character ravel throughout the camp. I saw women power, I saw brilliant women strategize, I saw women plot and scheme. All boils down to politics again I guess.
But still, I'm glad to have met everyone of them! I was a little dejected at how my life was turning out, worried about its lack of direction, apprehensive about my future before I met these like-minded friends. And now, everything seems brighter just to know that I'm not alone.
I love my new friends! :)
, 1:02 AM
:)
I haven't updated this space for ages.
Which doesn't come as a surprise really, if anyone has seen me gone through the past semester in school.
It's been a torture. It drained all my energy, my enthusiasm in life, brought out the skeptic in me and things that I really didn't see in myself for a long time.
The last time I got so frustrated with my studies was probably my struggle with math in JC (trigonometric tsskkk -_-). This semester, those killer modules really made me want to quit on several occasions, and stop trying. I wouldn't describe myself as a quitter, but I was on the edge of being one.
GAH! I'm just glad the semester's over.
And I'm exceptionally proud of myself for working so darn hard.
Additionally, I've never enjoyed my holidays more!
It's been amazing to say the least
Mopping around the house, waking late, hanging out with friends, reading...
I'm really glad I finally got time to pick up the paint brush too:)
I made a conscious decision not to rush into a holiday job or internship the moment the semester ended. It wasn't an easy decision really and I deliberated upon the issue for quite some time. Simply because there seems to be a fine line between getting a well-deserved break and an excuse for slacking.
But now I'm pretty thankful for the break :) And I'm ready to take on next semester.
Killer modules, you all better watch out!!!
1-month internship in July coming up!
Thursday, February 19, 2009, 11:34 PM
:)
I must be the luckiest girl in the world, ever.
All through my undergraduate days, I've sometimes looked back and my life and lamented at my lack of achievement. Sometimes, I can't seem to fall asleep at night, spending hours reflecting on what I should have done, what I could have done better...
I end up sitting through the night, trying to think of ways to "turn my life around" and configure plans to reassure myself that I'll be fine.
My lack of success, is perhaps more relative than absolute... But it has always been a concern I wanted to proactively address.
Which was why I was really honoured to be given a chance to prove myself in this young women leader's forum. An event so exclusive, only a few lucky souls like myself were given the chance to attend. So far, I've attended 2 forums, and sat through dialogues with community and business female leaders. Hearing about their success stories were deeply inspiring, exceptionally empowering to say the least. And I walk out of every session brimming with hope that perhaps, I'll succeed one day. I really got to thank FASS for putting me through this. It's only the beginning, but it's already given me so much hope and faith in the future, a potentially life-changing experience.
Best still, after reviewing my application and after reviewing my performance at the dialogue sessions, I was accepted into the mentoring program and the Executive Committee! They just informed me yesterday!!! And till this moment, I'm still in a state of disbelief! Where else can you get a chance to get a CEO of a bank or a prominent community leader as mentors?
AHHHHH! Please pardon my excitement people. I really wanted to share my joy!
Finally, finally, finally, I felt I've achieved something my parents would be truly proud of.
, 11:10 PM
My Valentine
Valentine's Day happens to fall on a Saturday this year.
Supposedly a good thing, because it no longer meant squeezing time for dinner at atrociously crowded places after a long day at school.
And to say the truth, I've been so overwhelmingly busy this semester, with my renewed determination to do well, that it only dawned upon me a few days before that I had absolutely zero plans lined up for the day.
Marco's been so caught up with school work too... so we decided to deviate from our "norm" this time.
I had wanted to mug the day away really. I thought it was a perfect day to catch up with my work while others celebrate the day. (oops, I'm damn competitive!!). And I proposed that we practice "food-court-disation " this year to save money. But Marco refused and insisted we shouldn't mug despite me bringing up that suggestion more than 3 times. haha.
So, no huge surprises. No lavish plans for the day.
Just a simple dinner at Boat Quay (thank goodness our last minute reservation was accepted), and a budget karaoke session to sing our hearts out.
And practical presents that we needed for school.
I don't really know what got into me really, but I belted out a wide range of children songs that day.
"Three blind mice, three blind mice... See how they run, see how they run...."
" One little, two little, three little Indians...."
Silly really, but they really made my day!
And dinner was darn good! I hadn't eaten ribs that nice for a long time! And the meal was surprisingly budget for that kind of ambience. Will definitely visit the place again.
I really enjoyed the day actually. I really didn't expect how well the day turned out despite our simple plans.
So here's a huge Thank You, to you, for being such perfect company, because everything turned out perfect :)
